ARCHIVED STRIPPERWEB: Preserving Your Emotional/Psychological Well Being For Strippers

[EtherealMOD]

ARCHIVED STRIPPERWEB: Preserving Your Emotional/Psychological Well Being For Strippers

while stripping. I saw a new thread that inspired me to share this with you ladies. I've been a dancer on/off now for almost 7 years, and I wish I would've done things differently, or maintained a different mentality while at work, or else I wouldn't have gone through what I've been through, psychologically.

A friend of mine told a me a statistic, I'm not sure her source, but she said that dancers suffer worse Post Traumatic Stress Disorder than Vietnam war veterans, there was an entire book written about this, and I will find out what it is.... anyways, I KNOW I have suffered from this, and still am, based on my mentality and how I worked/let customers affect me. The problem with getting into stripping, is nobody really tells you what to do, how to handle things, etc. because it's taboo, and until you find a forum like this and get good support, you are left on your own to figure things out. This is why you will see from time to time a BEAUTIFUL newbie dancer in the back giving head to an old man for $50...... because she didn't go into this industry with enough.... I don't want to say self confidence, but maybe she was too naive, or whatever. Unfortunately, many times these girls end up with pimps, all because they didn't know any better.

To make it worse, men like the above mentioned prey off girls like this! That's why, if we think back, when we were new, we would get approached by that cliche guy saying, "Why do you work here? You are too good for this... " If you notice, those guys only approach the newer, virginal strippers, with the blinking red light on their heads, who will actually listen to their crap. I haven't been approached by one of those guys in years!

Anyways ladies, here is some wisdom from me to you.... so that you don't go down the wrong path, or sacrifice your mental health and well being while stripping. I hope other girls can chime in and add to this....

1. Always look at stripping as a job, NOTHING MORE. A huge mistake many girls make is letting it pour into other aspects of their life, to where it becomes a lifestyle. You are there to "clock in", make as much $$$ as possible, and "clock out", and LEAVE your stripping persona there. Always keep it separate, like a split personality. Don't act stripper-ish outside of the club. You weren't like that before you started, keep true to yourself, because stripping, if you let it, can heavily change you and your core values and belief system. This change sneaks up on you, it happens little by little, until you are a completely different person from when you started. Stay strong and look at it as a job, not a lifestyle.

2. Maintain your boundaries and comfort level! While in the club, you are at the top of the totem pole. Don't EVER let anyone let you think differently! You are the most important person in the business, more so than the customers, management, DJ, etc. They are all there to accommodate you. YOU make your rules and set your boundaries. You don't have to do something you are not 100% comfortable with. Don't ever feel like you "have" to let a guy touch you in any way or look at you, talk to you, whatever because he's giving you money. You don't! And you shouldn't! Because even letting a guy caress you in a personal way, although this is not the same as grabbing your boob, if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!

I can't say this enough, because each time you allow a customer to over step his boundary, you are doing huge psychological damage to yourself, you don't even realize it. Pretty soon, you will be letting customers touch you in uncomfortable ways every night, because they're nice and you don't want to say anything because they're spending money. This will destroy your self esteem, TRUST ME! Every time you allow something to happen, however small, for a thousand dollars, you will feel beautiful and sexy, making so much money for so little work, it will feed your ego and build you up, but at the same time you don't realize it's chipping away at your soul and psyche, and changing how you view yourself.... I don't know how else to describe this. Stripping is a farce, in this way. Don't let money evoke an emotion..... know that a lot comes with that thousand dollars you just made, and you will have many bad nights as well, after all it's a numbers game.

3. Don't do it full time! Have something on the side..... whether it's school, a day job, a trade, a business, ANYTHING! You will go crazy otherwise. When you feel like, "Oh shit, I HAVE to go into work tonight because my rent is due..." and you don't want to be there at all, you feel forced into it, you sacrifice your mental and psychological well being. You also will be fresher and more positive going into work when you actually have a choice in being there, and you will make more money. When you have something else that is your main focus, and stripping is supplemental income, or you know you will be graduating school and on to better things, you won't feel so forced to be there, you will be sooo much happier, trust me!

I was stripping full time, going back and forth between Dallas and Las Vegas, making a ton of money, but..... I had nothing else. No plans on going back to school, no plans on getting out, nothing. Just stripping. I began to feel hopeless and became very depressed. This had a major affect on my relationships with men, which I won't even get into now... but now that I have my insurance job and I'm a student, I can't tell you how much happier I am!

I will add some more if I think of anything, and I hope others can contribute some basic rules/things to remember when getting into this industry.... I hope this helps you guys

[EtherealMOD]

Great post JD and I 100% agree with everything. When I started I danced full time and it sort of destroyed me inside in a way. I had to take a break for a few months to get my bearings together and danced at that point part time while pursuing a "normal" job.

You pretty much summed up most of it. The one thing I always tell newbies is leave the job at the door. When I walked in the club I became the hot stripper. Once I walked out I became the normal person who was just like any other girl, dancer or not. Also, in general I am a big believer in keeping work separate from personal. While I did become friends with a few djs, dancers, etc for the most part I was friendly but not friends. I never acted like a stereotypical stripper outside of work. I didn't dance sexy at regular bars, or dress skanky or anything else.

Also, realize when a man is rejecting you it doesn't always have to do with your looks or him saying you are ugly. Sure there are the assholes who will call a dancer ugly, but in most cases you're just not his type. Maybe you're too old/young, fat/skinny/muscular, blonde/brunette/red headed/raven, etc. Maybe you remind him of his exgirlfriend who broke his heart. It is devastating when a woman is rejected but realize that often it has little to do with the dancer. I wish I had known this when I started.

Like you mentioned, having a fall back is important. I've worked with three kinds of "older" dancers: the ones with no other choices, the ones doing it while working another job, and the ones who are career strippers. The first example is really sad and I saw a few of these women who literally had no other skills except stripping. Many of them were too old to keep dancing but did it and many also did tricks. The second example are usually women doing it for a temporary money problem and once they make what they want they often quit, or they do it for fun. The career strippers are admirable but keep in mind not every dancer can be like one. When I first started I wanted to be one. I thought I'd get into porn and explicit modeling and become a name and you know what? I realized I didn't want that. Oh I had the chance, I knew people who could have made it happen but I knew I didn't want that. I live by someone who started dancing around the time I did and she's now doing milf porn. She has had a lot of plastic surgery and what will she do when she's 50 and was one of those who didn't save up? So yes, realize that most dancers have a short career.

Finally, realize not all guys are bad guys, even the guys in the club. Being a dancer means meeting some of the worst guys imaginable. You will likely come across a guy who hates women and cheats on his wife often. But you may also come across a sweet guy who's lonely and this is his only chance to talk to a girl.

[EtherealMOD]

While I agree with a lot of this, I don't think what we go through is very comparable to post traumatic stress from the Vietnam war. I've NEVER seen an entertainer react to dancing the way that the people who served overseas on the front lines or as medics to them react. Most rape victims don't even go through as bad of post traumatic stress (although it is still VERY very bad). There's a huge difference between someone else abusing you, & being the one to take a life away, to make one wrong move which causes a loss of life (thus you replay over & over what you could/should have done), & seeing one person after another brutally murdered in front of your eyes. I suspect very few will ever go through the same post traumatic stress as those involved in war.

I also will say some of this applies a lot less to career dancers. I believe BritneyIreland & I started within a year of each other. While she's in the midst of retirement from the industry, I'm not anywhere close to being done. This work is my life... & I love it! I've already had the office job, finished multiple degrees, lead worship groups with hundreds of people etc... this is where I am most happy though - it fits who I AM. With that said, I also already know what its like to be forced out of something else I loved... fir me it was the ballet when my body got too curvy & medically I had health issues. Watching others dance did nothing but but me to tears because I missed it so badly. My first college degree was my "plan b" from a career in ballet & formal dance... but only because everyone told me "not to get too involved" & "you can't strip forever". Looking back, I say "To hell with them!". I wish I could go back to 18... I would have done a lot more modeling, taken the big magazine offers I had, danced at the higher end club right away, hung out with more of the top industry professionals, & gotten into featuring years sooner!

The one thing I am happy about is that soon after dancing I found the EDC forum, & the entertainers were good role models. Their opinions varied, but some of them presented chances & connections I wish I would have taken, while others basically said "slow down" - when I shouldn't have.

You have to decide what is right for you & where you are happy. Having a goal or exit strategy is great... just make sure its not a "plan b" when you still love "plan a". I was lucky to find stripping when my "plan a" (ballet) fell through. If you love one thing with all you heart, chances are you simply have yet to discover a second "plan a"... but don't ever settle for "plan b" if its not what you love.

By the way, Tempest Storm was still stripping into her 80's.

[EtherealMOD]

I thought of something to add to protect yourself.
When you go to VIP with a customer don't get super drunk especially if the customer is buying you lots of drinks and trying to get you to drink alot. Tipsy is ok though. There are some customers who try to get girls super drunk and passed out in VIP so they can take advantage of them. I know someone who was raped that way. She had PTSD from it and went to therapy for several months. She is ok now luckily.
If you have hung out with the customer several times before that does not mean you can trust him. Also if you leave to go to the restroom and come back to VIP don't continue to drink that same drink as it could be drugged. Of course most customers don't do this but it is better safe than sorry. You are protecting your physical and emotional health.

[EtherealMOD]

Soooo true... Be strong ladies and don't forget who you are! This business can eat you up and spit you out. There was a time when I lost me and only had Jessie... that is scary.

i feel like dancing gave me a stronger sense of self.... am i the only one?

i also cant remember what i used to talk to my friends about before 'guess who i saw sucking dick in the vip' and 'my fake nails broke during a pole class'. its like the people i used to know then and felt close to are lightyears different from me now. i developed a whole new 'group' since i started dancing but i still catch up with old mate here n there. for old times sake

Great post JD! Couple more things:

1. We all make mistakes. I figured out where my boundaries were by crossing them. At first I used to really feel like shit about it. Then I realized, hey, now I know what I can't tolerate. I guess I won't do that any more. So, don't beat yourself up over mistakes or letting things or customers go too far. Live and learn!

2. Take care of your body. Lose weight, get in shape, or whatever else you need to do--in a healthy way! You will look and feel better, and you will look good for longer.

3. Communicate with your customers. I find I have far fewer problems when I tell them right away what they are and are not allowed to do, how much dances cost, etc. I also tell them all that I am married, if they ask. It saves me loads of trouble.

Bravo!!!Best post on this whole forum!:worship:
Also to add,if it hasn't been added....
Don't take any shit or game playing from co-workers.If they're doing something that's making you very uncomfortable in any way,like use you,steal,piggy back ride off your customers,but not doing same for you,talk shit behind your back and nice to your face and so on,figure out a way to stop it.Don't force yourself to put up with it,because it will cause tremendous psychological damage as well!

My self esteem improved after I became a dancer. Still improving after four years of dancing.

I may just be severely tolerate of other people. I don't put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable but I also don't let other people's shit get to me. Customers are normal people like us; why should they make you feel inferior, stressed, or traumatized?

Another thing I thought of: I know a few girls who absolutely, positively CANNOT work sober. Don't be that girl. While a drink or two can help you loosen up, especially before you hit your stride at the beginning of the night, if you have to get plastered or stoned to come to work, you are in the wrong job!

Always be able to work sober.

This, I believe, is one of the most important things I can do for myself to maintain my sanity. After years of working with a stash of booze in my locker, it seemed to have caught up with me last year when I relocated to an area that serves alcohol. I found myself full of anxiety while at work and seemingly unable to socialize. I had to take 6 months off to get my mind back. I've been back in the juice bar scene sober, safe and sociable.

Another way I help keep my sanity is to keep to myself. I am very friendly with my coworkers but I usually only speak when spoken to. I find that when I do talk to some of the girls at work they tend to unload their baggage on my shoulders. When I find myself opening up too much to regulars I notice it affects me while I am away from the club.

I am not a phony person and I never will be. I believe the boundaries I set definitely go beyond the VIP. I make my money by befriending my customers and it takes a lot of effort not to ever lead them on and to not actually give some of "me" away.

[EtherealMOD]

[FONT="Georgia"]It's always been my experience that dancing has as much positive possibility as negative. It's important to be aware of the dangers, but none of them, with the exception of actual victimization, have any more influence than we give them. All the real risk in the industry involves individual choice - the choice to perform an act that makes you uncomfortable, the choice to indulge in a substance that impairs and addicts you, the choice to spend your money instead of saving it.

Characterizing the industry itself as dangerous leads to a slippery slope in which women aren't considered competent to be responsible for our own actions and need to be protected from ourselves and sheltered from extreme influences.

The reason the industry can be so immediately destructive under certain circumstances is that sex is so potent and compelling. Recognizing that power rather than concentrating on its negative effect can be very liberating.

For example, as a very young dancer the stupid, sh*tty things customers sometimes said would stay with me for weeks. After a while, though, it was the business that helped me, like being tossed into the deep end of a chilly pool. I learned to fend for myself and figure out what I should worry about and what I should disregard. I got a lot of control over how others were able to make me feel, and I have stripping to thank for it. This industry is a tool - a sharp one; it's all in how you use it.[/FONT]

[EtherealMOD]

This side of stripping is exactly the reason I came home from making my first audition today and starting thinking twice about whether or not I can really do this...aside from other things like college and the job I already have that i do not want to lose. Also, I have never had a real father figure and I have always fallen for losers as boyfriends and I have a hard time differentiating friendships and sexual relationships with men. After getting this old guy to tip me during my audition today, I haven't even been able to look at a guy around his age without picturing myself shaking my ass in his face for his cash and that makes me feel gross...I hate to say this but I don't know if I am strong enough to leave the job and my life separate and to not cave on boundaries for money because I've stupid shit like that with guys in high school that I've regretted (not prostitution, but letting a guy pass me a joint, not knowing what it is and being taken advantage of later, stealing boyfriends, etc. ): ) and i don't want to be that stupid weak newbie that messes her life up and repeats the stupid things she did in high school and regrets it even more...especially now that I just got out of a very abusive relationship and I'm trying to grow up and get my life together...
I lovee to dance and the money and glamour of the industry make it so appealing, but I honestly don't know if I am mentally or emotionally cut out for it...
Do any of you admirable women have any input?? I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom youre willing to offer!

[FONT=Georgia]Some reading that might help:

Nadine Strossen, former president of the ACLU, wrote Defending Pornography. It's very scholarly, but fascinating and full of information about women, sex, free expression and equality.

Wendy McElroy took up Strossen's cry a few years later with XXX: A Woman's Right to Pornography, for the first time truly advocating the idea that adult entertainment, rather than being a necessary evil, a kind of nasty side effect to the right to free speech, could actually be good and healthy for all people, including women.

Strip City is a lovely memoir of the business by Lily Burana.

Camille Paglia is a kind of rogue feminist who's become a bit of a pop-culture parody of herself in the last few years. That aside, she's a brilliant woman with a lot to say on the subject of women, sex and power. Sexual Personae and Vamps and Tramps are both well-worth a read.

Use Google. Search for terms like 'sex-positive feminism', 'sex workers rights', 'feminist porn'. There are a lot of clear, strong voices out there.

If you want to be in the industry, take the time to prepare yourself so that you have enough control over your experience to be able to make it a rewarding one. Otherwise, what's the point?[/FONT]

[FONT=Georgia]There's also a huge movement of woman-friendly porn, made by and for women.

I'd say that the climate of woman-hatred you describe manifests itself much more in mainstream culture - film, television and music - than it does in porn. We'd do well to ask ourselves why we concentrate so much on explicit sexual imagery when the damage is so widespread elsewhere.

Around the turn of the last century Carrie Nation and the Women's Christian Temperance League went around taking bats and axes to establishments that sold liquor under the mistaken notion that, since so many men got drunk and beat their wives, all they had to do was banish strong drink and the problem would go away. It didn't work then, either. [/FONT]

[FONT=Georgia]Even Gail Dines eventually, in her own argument against pornography, has to concede that there really isn't that much violent imagery in mainstream porn: http://cla.calpoly.edu/~bmori/syll/311syll/PornMedia.html. She WANTS that to be true because it would make her job that much easier, but in order to maintain a well-reasoned argument she has to broaden it, because that point is insupportable. The best she can do later is to focus on the number of partners each woman takes on in the 'representative' films she viewed, and concede that the one instance in which she can reasonably indicate that the woman is in 'pain', Dines herself can't determine if that's true or not; it's just as likely that the performer's facial expression is registering pleasure.[/FONT]

[FONT=Georgia]I've edited several days later to make clear that this last series of posts, including this one and a couple of the ones above, may seem disjointed because they're in reply to someone who has evidently rethought their position and subsequently deleted her contributions. What she had said just above this one was that, in her opinion, our discussion was 'silly'.

Seemed like simple back-and-forth to me. I never have understood that last little leap:

A. Opinion, strongly stated.
B. Dissenting Reply, also clearly and politely articulated.
A. Response, directly related to Reply.
B. Counterpoint, completely relevant to Response.
A. Strong disagreement.
B. Telling information.
A. This is stupid! I suddenly don't care about this, and think people who do are silly! If you offer another well-considered reply based on your own investment in the subject matter instead of allowing my last point to stand it's not because we were having a discussion about something interesting - it's because you don'thavealife/spendtoomuchtimeontheinterwebz/areabully!

Okay, then. I thought that's how discussions between people who see things from different sides worked. I assume if I make strong statements, someone might disagree. If I wanted people to agree with me all the time I'd avoid talking about anything serious. Thanks for the chat. Another time, perhaps.
[/FONT]

[FONT="Georgia"]Speaking of silly, I feel compelled to say that I assume and sincerely hope you were joking, after taking such a strong stance on the evils of the industry, about ever returning to it; that would be a terrible insult, not only to the parts of you that need to heal, but to all the women who make the choice to work in the industry and own that choice and its ramifications. You're clearly not in a position to protect and nurture yourself properly in that environment.[/FONT]

I knew a lot of girls who did this at 18 or 19 and very few were mature enough to handle it. I remember this one girl tell me she did it since she was 18 and was now almost 40. She slept with her customers and tried way too hard to compete everyone, and always ask me how much I was making. At first I hated her then just felt sad. She won't do much better in life and was clearly miserable. Girls say you can make a career out of this but I have yet to see it happen. I think having another job or job skills outside of dancing is so important. Most younger girls don't understand that they won't look this way forever, or that a pregnancy or accident can force you to stop dancing. Save save save that money. Have multiple sources of income

[FONT=Georgia]Couldn't agree more - although I and many other women I worked with stayed in the industry for ten or fifteen years, several of them working successfully well into their 40's. I worked with one who, from about 42 to 46, made so much money that she supported two kids, lived in the best part of town and saved up enough to open her own boutique when she quit. It's true, too, though, that I and most of those women had many other creative outlets, interests and pursuits. I think the key to happiness - or at least contentment - in any and all areas of life is balance.

An odd side note: in my experience a large percentage of ex-strippers end up transitioning quite smoothly into real estate. [/FONT]

Just to add this was NOT to say anything bad against older dancers, in fact they're usually top earners. This woman never did anything else but dance since she was 18 so she never learned how to do anything else and was kind of nuts! The woman you mentioned obviously did her homework and learned to open her own business and invest her money wisely. I think we can all learn to do that from adult work and know dancing is not the end for us maybe the beginning of another journey if you play it smart.

Even if we love dancing and want to make a career of it, it is a job.

All jobs are only a means to an end.

Your life will never revolve around flipping burgers; don't let it revolve around dancing either.

Firstly, I admire you for recognizing your own limits and caring enough about yourself to be concerned. Keep in mind, it is a minority of women who are really "cut out" to be strippers, and there's no shame in not being one of them! If you think it will hurt you, DON'T do it.

That said, if you're still interested (or decide that you are after some time has passed), here's what I'd do:

Work ONE night, and only one. Set clear boundaries for yourself before you go, and write them down to cement them in your mind. If you find yourself crossing those boundaries, leave immediately.

If you have fun, wait a month before you start doing it regularly. Let your subconscious process everything that happened your first night. If you don't go back, then you had one night of fun (hopefully), and learned something about yourself. If you do, then you have a solid base to work from and should have an easier time keeping yourself healthy and sane. (Easier - not easy. Never let yourself think it's easy, or it will sneak up on you out of nowhere.)

Whatever you do, best of luck!