Archived PMCyrilNovel: Immaculate LoveImmaculate Love

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an ideal path to cross the mountains. The observation of ridges so far revealed a manageable if not an easy mountain pass to the other side. Sethos avoided landing on the western coast of Hibernia for its extreme ruggedness as warned by the shady character he met in Sardis.

“This looks like our path to fortune. What do you think Nikon?”

“I think you are right Sethos.”

The unknown land in front of them was there to be explored; it was rugged and challenging. So, the precious little logistics had to be planned very skillfully. They were looking at the mountain, the only thing that stood between them and the bounties.

****************************

Chapter - Six @ Post #96

[EtherealMOD]

"See spot run." How about trying to mix it up a bit? Also, do you have another synonym for "ambition"?

When I read these sentences, I see a person who is used to writing for techinical purposes, such as a business proposal or a "how to" manual, and then trying to write a work of literature. Story telling doesn't have to be A to B to C to D. Everything doesn't have to be spelled out so plainly.

You words are not painting pictures. They are not enlivening the senses. They do not feed ones emotions. Basically, they don't involve the reader. In fact, your need to constantly spell things out and repeat ideas is almost an insult to the intelligence of your audience.

Here is an example of solid writing skill...

http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthread.php?t=133627

It's a link to a short story by Paris. When one reads it, they can feel the pain, the hurt, the emotions. They can see the dirty apartment. The author invites the reader to become temporarily immersed in the story.

Please understand this is sincere constructive criticism. There is an obivous lack of response to your work so far, and my guess is it is because people are just not that impressed by it.

Please, before posting more chapters, work on your technique.

[EtherealMOD]

customers cheered in approval as our DJ came up and sat at the foot of our stage with a guitar.

For the next two hours, girls danced by candlelight to acoustic music our DJ played with his guitar. The whole thing was beautiful, the light dancing of the girls’ curves. The customers were remarkable quiet, and those of us not onstage continued to go about the room selling dances, which proved to be astonishingly easy. The whole evening was relaxed and felt like such a treat; no booming music and people screaming over the normal din. Even the balmy Southern air felt soothing instead of stifling.

I was almost sad when the lights came back on. To this day years later, it is one of my fondest memories of this particular club. We were like a family always, but this night proved it to me over and over beyond a reasonable doubt.

I made $1500 that night without trying.

It is days like that which remind me that, sometimes, I love what I do.

[EtherealMOD]

dairy milk into cheese for market, as well as how to be business-minded. To the delight of her parents, Meara often drew admiration and envy from other parents who wished their own daughters were so agreeable and clever.

Not only was Meara quick minded, the boys in her villiage often whispered about her beauty. Her walk was as confident and soothing as a gentle ocean wave; powerful, yet gentle all the same. She had a beautiful soft, soothing voice, and the men would crane their heads as she passed by, hoping to catch just one note of her humming as she went about her daily business. The girls in the village were full of indignance and jealousy; they had begun to say she was a witch due her deep, sparkling, jade coloured eyes. However, she often laughed the rumours off as silliness.

Her dark wavy hair billowed out in the breeze that came over the mountains, emulating the storm clouds that would come in off of the ocean some afternoons. Even the sons of Druids could not resist this beauty of a farmer’s daughter. Even amidst the trials and tribulatons at hand, Meara had her faith as a pillar of strength for herself, as well as her family.

When she reached home, she greeted her mother gaily and began the evening chores. Several hours later, her father came home from the daily grazing trip. meara squealed with glee and ran into his arms. The old man chuckled, and as always, for a moment, forgot about the son he never had.

At bedtime, she silently moved her lips again before crawling into bed with a deep satisfaction that, nothing, not even the murderous clans that still sought them out, could ever penetrate the fortress of her faith.
That reads like a cheap copy of the original work.
08-06-2009, 09:15 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^^ I'd say that's up for debate.

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PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
^^ I'd say that's up for debate.
If you really want to be constructive towards this thread, I can use a second pair of eyes, please proof read Chapter - Four. Thanks!
08-06-2009, 09:43 PMElvia
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Why would you post this if you don't want honest feedback?
08-06-2009, 10:23 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
Why would you post this if you don't want honest feedback?
I was hoping to get the fifth chapter out this evening but looks like it is not going to happen anytime today.

Well, go ahead and give your honest feedback to me. I like honest feed backs. However, please keep in mind honest feedback does not equate to being rude. Thanks!

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08-06-2009, 10:38 PMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Seems like a lot of people want to be writers. It's probably good self therapy but we live in a world where we have easy access to so many books and other written material, and we've been exposed to some amazing writers. The downside for amateurs then is you'll be compared to the best and like any other artistic matter, there is some training involved and also some raw talent.

Plus you've got a tough crowd here not exactly having taken time out to be sympathetic to seeing things from the female/dancers perspectives in other matters.

And also just a thought but people don't like to be given orders or assigned duties. Seems like you were giving people assignments in the dream girls thread and now in this one.. they aren't here to do work items for you.
08-06-2009, 10:53 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
In response to Verf about mental pictures, that's totally it. Transporting someone to the scene you are describing is essential.

Not to be a braggart, but I've been working on my own novel about two years. I'm not a professional writer, but here is an excerpt I shared in my public blong that I think fits the bill about creating atmosphere:

Atlanta, 2005.

It was a busy Friday night despite the thunderstorms. Patrons were running in, damp from the valet station, and those unlucky enough to wait in line outside did so until they could squeeze water out of their shirts.

Sometimes it baffles me, the conditions people will wait in to see nude girls.

Fortunately it was a warm rain, but it was a humid, sauna environment inside the club; our air conditioner had been pretty sketchy all week. The packed in wet bodies created an almost solid air atmosphere. I felt like I was walking around in warm, loud, dark fog. Despite it, people were jovial, the girls onstage didn’t hesitate to remove their clothes like we did most nights… we were thankful to run around in our bare skin, though our hair stuck to our foreheads and our makeup was running.

I had made a decent amount of money thus far into the night. It was around eleven in the evening, and prime hours still had yet to come. During dances customers fanned me with table tents, and for once I can say I was grateful for the gesture. My regulars had come in, all three of them in the same night. I looked around and smiled, thinking about the new television I was going to buy in the morning if all went well. I heard my name called, strutted up onto the stage, and then it happened.

The power went out.

Now this may not seem like a crisis in a home situation. You sit in the dark with your family, wait a couple of hours and the lights come back on, no big deal. But in the most popular strip club in a major city, this is a huge problem. No lights. No music. No kitchen. No DJ to announce when we are next. No blow dryers, no straightening irons, no mirror lights. A huge “Awwwww!” went out across the crowd. In short, we were fucked.

I stood there, not knowing what to do. Should I keep moving, should I stop? Should I sit down? Having been in plenty of awkward positions, but never something like this, I had no clue what to do.

After a few minutes, several other girls came up on stage to keep me company. We sat in a circle, talking to the patrons. Ironically, they continue to tip us. I think in some way, they found it amusing, the group of naked girls sitting on a stage in the dark. I can’t say as I disagree with them. You would think people would have left, but truthfully, not many did.

Suddenly my manager runs up to the stage with a huge box in his hands.

“Here girls, line the stage, we’re going to make this work. Hurry up, ok?”

The box was full of candles.

We lined our forty foot runway stage with candles and lit them one by one. With four or five of us working, it didn’t take long. The customers cheered in approval as our DJ came up and sat at the foot of our stage with a guitar.

For the next two hours, girls danced by candlelight to acoustic music our DJ played with his guitar. The whole thing was beautiful, the light dancing of the girls’ curves. The customers were remarkable quiet, and those of us not onstage continued to go about the room selling dances, which proved to be astonishingly easy. The whole evening was relaxed and felt like such a treat; no booming music and people screaming over the normal din. Even the balmy Southern air felt soothing instead of stifling.

I was almost sad when the lights came back on. To this day years later, it is one of my fondest memories of this particular club. We were like a family always, but this night proved it to me over and over beyond a reasonable doubt.

I made $1500 that night without trying.

It is days like that which remind me that, sometimes, I love what I do.
There are following problems with this excerpt from your novel:

-It reads like a memoir
-It takes up too long and yet yields nothing tangible in terms of the storyline
-It does not have clearly defined objective

One of the mistakes people make is they think lots of words equals a good novel. That assumption is dead wrong. You have to realize that people may get bored reading lots of useless information they do not care about unless you write like Hermann Hesse.

In contrast with your writing style, mine has following positive attributes:

- Short and to the point. Well suited for people who have limited amount of time at hand to indulge in reading a novel
- Each chapter in Immaculate Love has well defined objective, e.g., the first chapter introduces you to Meara, the second chapter introduces you to Sethos, the third chapter gives you an idea about the time landmark and the fourth chapter gives you the detail account of the route Sethos will take to reach Meara. You do not even have to consult a globe; it is so detailed.
08-06-2009, 11:15 PMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
One of the mistakes people make is they think lots of words equals a good novel. That assumption is dead wrong. You have to realize that people may get bored reading lots of useless information they do not care about unless you write like Hermann Hesse.
Partially true. They also grow bored with novels that lack emotion and are mostly just a bunch of facts with half hearted attempts to appear emotional in between the dumping of facts. Her story had me emotionally involved, wondering what comes next. Yours I couldn't read. I was bored. Honest opinion, nothing personal. I felt it was just a lot of words, and my mind didn't immediately feel there was anything of interest in it for me. I don't care about your key character because she is lifeless. There is another level to writing I have no skill in but I can sense it when I see it.
08-06-2009, 11:15 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post

And also just a thought but people don't like to be given orders or assigned duties. Seems like you were giving people assignments in the dream girls thread and now in this one.. they aren't here to do work items for you.
Well...............
08-06-2009, 11:17 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
Partially true. They also grow bored with novels that lack emotion and are mostly just a bunch of facts with half hearted attempts to appear emotional in between the dumping of facts. Her story had me emotionally involved, wondering what comes next. Yours I couldn't read. I was bored. Honest opinion, nothing personal. I felt it was just a lot of words, and my mind didn't immediately feel there was anything of interest in it for me. I don't care about your key character because she is lifeless. There is another level to writing I have no skill in but I can sense it when I see it.
Just an FYI, racy stuff will come soon so tune in later.
08-06-2009, 11:47 PMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Just an FYI, racy stuff will come soon so tune in later.
racy won't save it for me ... but I love books and stories where we don't get a 30,000 foot view of what is going on, but rather the world unfolds seeing it through the eyes of the main character(s). Assuming there is something(s) to like about these characters, that gets me involved. I can fill in the big picture in my own mind, and if you have a vision about the big picture, your talent as a writer will reveal it to me indirectly, allowing me to have the same emotional sense of wonder you feel about it.
08-06-2009, 11:59 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
racy won't save it for me ... but I love books and stories where we don't get a 30,000 foot view of what is going on, but rather the world unfolds seeing it through the eyes of the main character(s). Assuming there is something(s) to like about these characters, that gets me involved. I can fill in the big picture in my own mind, and if you have a vision about the big picture, your talent as a writer will reveal it to me indirectly, allowing me to have the same emotional sense of wonder you feel about it.
This paragraph of yours clearly demonstrates a lack of understanding on your part as far as limitations of conveying human emotions is concerned. No one can ever truly convey to others how he truly feels. Have you read "Music at Night? If not, my suggestion would be to grab a copy from a library or internet and read it.

Anyone who puts unrealistic emphasis on communicating human emotions is setting himself up for a disappointment. The task is impossible.
08-07-2009, 12:19 AMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
This paragraph of yours clearly demonstrates a lack of understanding on your part as far as limitations of conveying human emotions is concerned. No one can ever truly convey to others how he truly feels. Have you read "Music at Night? If not, my suggestion would be to grab a copy from a library or internet and read it.

Anyone who puts unrealistic emphasis on communicating human emotions is setting himself up for a disappointment. The task is impossible.
Huh?

You're making a black and white argument.

I didn't tell you to communicate to me 100% exactly what feelings you imagined or give up entirely.

There is a gray area in the middle where artists try and succeed to varying degrees. On that gray scale your story scored poorly for me.

Besides we are all far more alike then different. Our genetic codes nearly identical except for very tiny minor variations. Our life experiences somewhat different, but again, also we experience a tremendous amount in common. And we have endless day to day dealings with each other where we learn how our own emotional experiences are so much like others, and how they differ too. That's the core of communication. Nobody says "well i can't communicate my feelings perfectly so I just give up entirely".
08-07-2009, 01:20 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
There are following problems with this excerpt from your novel:

-It reads like a memoir
-It takes up too long and yet yields nothing tangible in terms of the storyline
-It does not have clearly defined objective

One of the mistakes people make is they think lots of words equals a good novel. That assumption is dead wrong. You have to realize that people may get bored reading lots of useless information they do not care about unless you write like Hermann Hesse.

In contrast with your writing style, mine has following positive attributes:

- Short and to the point. Well suited for people who have limited amount of time at hand to indulge in reading a novel
- Each chapter in Immaculate Love has well defined objective, e.g., the first chapter introduces you to Meara, the second chapter introduces you to Sethos, the third chapter gives you an idea about the time landmark and the fourth chapter gives you the detail account of the route Sethos will take to reach Meara. You do not even have to consult a globe; it is so detailed.
It IS a memoir of my own personal experiences. Not a linear novel, it's a collection of anecdotes and emotion of how it truly is to be in a dancer's line of work. It isn't meant to be methodical or even have a main storyline. It's about evoking emotion and transporting people into my world, just for a little while.

Your writing style strikes me as very cold and impersonal, honestly.
08-07-2009, 02:36 AMgoreantx
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
I tried to read the original post with the chapters. I agree with many of the reply posts that the grammar is unpolished. For instance, you can't start a sentence with "But". I recommend going to a college bookstore and purchasing a grammar textbook. Also, the sentences seem choppy. I can't follow the flow of your story because of the grammar. I want to see it when you've edited the grammar; I feel that is the only fair way I can critique your work.
08-07-2009, 04:17 AMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
I was hoping to get the fifth chapter out this evening but looks like it is not going to happen anytime today.

Well, go ahead and give your honest feedback to me. I like honest feed backs. However, please keep in mind honest feedback does not equate to being rude. Thanks!

LoL. You like honest feedback as long as you don't have to LISTEN to any of it so you can continue to live in your little dream world. Prozac? You need something a lot stronger than that.

I still have no idea why you or your threads are tolerated here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
It IS a memoir of my own personal experiences. Not a linear novel, it's a collection of anecdotes and emotion of how it truly is to be in a dancer's line of work. It isn't meant to be methodical or even have a main storyline. It's about evoking emotion and transporting people into my world, just for a little while.



Your writing style strikes me as very cold and impersonal, honestly.

Careful honey, speak slowly and use small words so that he might have a better chance at understanding you.
08-07-2009, 07:08 AMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
FWIW Cyril I've told my kids for a long time, most movies for me succeed or fail based on one simple point. Is there at least one character that I care about? Perhaps I've overly impressed them with this PoV, but they now being a bit older say the same, movies FAIL because there was not one character we secretly cheer for on some level. Drama, action, detail, comedy, you can spend hunderds of millions and still end up with a Waterworld. Everything technically correct, but no emotional connection made.
08-07-2009, 10:31 AMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
That reads like a cheap copy of the original work.
Well to be honest, she wasn't given a heck of a lot to work with.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
... I am attempting to construct a tale of immaculate love, which thrives amidst greed and lust. . ...
FAIL!
08-07-2009, 10:48 AMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
... One of the mistakes people make is they think lots of words equals a good novel. That assumption is dead wrong. You have to realize that people may get bored reading lots of useless information they do not care about unless you write like Hermann Hesse. ...
One of my favorite lessons in writing comes from Strunk & White's: Elements of Style: "Omit needless words! Omit needless words! Omit needless words!"

You're right, more words does not necessarily equal better writing; however, using less words does not mean the writing needs to be lacking. You're own short scripts are FULL of needless words and repetitive themes, which could be both shortened AND improved. Using the same word over and over is neither creative, immaginative or efficient.

One thing you have suceeded at is that you've managed to bore people quickly - congrats.

You asked for feedback, and you've been given some. Yet you've not made use of any of it. Rather, you appear to be your own favorite critic. It must be easy to meet such low standards.
08-07-2009, 01:47 PMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
I think it fine to want to try to write and admire people who have an interest. Just it is difficult when it comes time to ask for honest criticism. My shelves at home are stacked with books and I love reading but out of those books, only a few of the fictions really are memorable. So much else I finished because I had already paid for it and arguably shouldn't have wasted my time on.

Also I'm guessing most people don't want to contribute to a lets-write-a-make-believe novel on line anymore then they did a lets-build-a-make-believe-business because frankly, it's too much like work for them, and the benefits would be what? The OP receives credit? What would they get out of it?
08-07-2009, 03:32 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
I'm also curious how it's a story about a "stripper" and a "PL". Last I checked, strippers down pray at wells and flee murderous clans with thier parents to raise sheep and goats? Main character seems pretty religious. Guy lead is an "ambitious" (as we were told 83748328 times by the overuse of the word ambition) quasi-nobleman whom has plans to coquer foreign lands.

No strip club, dances, no money exchanged.. how is this a story about a dancer and a customer as opposed to a run of the mill romance novella?
08-07-2009, 08:14 PMElvia
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^^ I was wondering that as well.
08-08-2009, 04:02 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by goreantx View Post
I tried to read the original post with the chapters. I agree with many of the reply posts that the grammar is unpolished. For instance, you can't start a sentence with "But". I recommend going to a college bookstore and purchasing a grammar textbook. Also, the sentences seem choppy. I can't follow the flow of your story because of the grammar. I want to see it when you've edited the grammar; I feel that is the only fair way I can critique your work.
There is a trend among modernist writers to start sentences with "But". It is a writing style. Please look it up.
08-08-2009, 04:05 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
I'm also curious how it's a story about a "stripper" and a "PL". Last I checked, strippers down pray at wells and flee murderous clans with thier parents to raise sheep and goats? Main character seems pretty religious. Guy lead is an "ambitious" (as we were told 83748328 times by the overuse of the word ambition) quasi-nobleman whom has plans to coquer foreign lands.

No strip club, dances, no money exchanged.. how is this a story about a dancer and a customer as opposed to a run of the mill romance novella?
Your entire post was simply an account of wrong conjectures about Immaculate Love. Are you even trying to understand what is happening?
08-08-2009, 04:09 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
FWIW Cyril I've told my kids for a long time, most movies for me succeed or fail based on one simple point. Is there at least one character that I care about? Perhaps I've overly impressed them with this PoV, but they now being a bit older say the same, movies FAIL because there was not one character we secretly cheer for on some level. Drama, action, detail, comedy, you can spend hunderds of millions and still end up with a Waterworld. Everything technically correct, but no emotional connection made.
All you are doing is affirming the subjective nature of people's taste. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Why do I say that? It is because I have met quite a few people who liked Water World.
08-08-2009, 04:20 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
One of my favorite lessons in writing comes from Strunk & White's: Elements of Style: "Omit needless words! Omit needless words! Omit needless words!"

You're right, more words does not necessarily equal better writing; however, using less words does not mean the writing needs to be lacking. You're own short scripts are FULL of needless words and repetitive themes, which could be both shortened AND improved. Using the same word over and over is neither creative, immaginative or efficient.

One thing you have suceeded at is that you've managed to bore people quickly - congrats.

You asked for feedback, and you've been given some. Yet you've not made use of any of it. Rather, you appear to be your own favorite critic. It must be easy to meet such low standards.
I have to say your criticism is fair.

I made several mistakes and I will outline them here:

- I usually write using short sentences but in my attempt to be artistic I tried resorting to long sentences and I messed up punctuations big time
- I introduced Alexander for the sole purpose of historical landmarks so I did not invest enough creativity in making chapter-three a bit more interesting for the readers

I am satisfied with chapter one, two and four; of course they may require some proof reading.

I am not interested in who can piss further contest. So, if I find any useful information in anyone's post, I will grab it or else I will ignore it.
08-08-2009, 04:29 AMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
All you are doing is affirming the subjective nature of people's taste. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Why do I say that? It is because I have met quite a few people who liked Water World.
Fair enough. But if your goal is to be at least as good as Waterworld, then it goes with the territory that you'll receive at least as much negative criticism as well.
08-08-2009, 04:31 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
Fair enough. But if your goal is to be at least as good as Waterworld, then it goes with the territory that you'll receive at least as much negative criticism as well.
There is not a single author who is admired by everyone.
08-08-2009, 04:49 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Your entire post was simply an account of wrong conjectures about Immaculate Love. Are you even trying to understand what is happening?
Oh Mr. Cyril. I am an educated woman. You really want to go down this road?

PS. To be immature for a moment? Most people who have read this nonsense think your writing style sucks. There is NO artistry in it, it evokes NO emotions, it reads as cold as a fucking muder file.
08-08-2009, 05:01 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post

Your writing style strikes me as very cold and impersonal, honestly.
Where do you see "cold" in my writing?
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08-08-2009, 05:03 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
You really want to go down this road?
No. I just wish to see something sane coming from your post. It is not that unreasonable to expect. Thanks!
08-08-2009, 05:24 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post

I still have no idea why you or your threads are tolerated here.
- I love strippers
- I am civil
- I am sincere
- I try to see other people's point of view
- I am respectful even if I do not agree with someone
- When I make a mistake, I acknowledge and rectify it
- I engage in discourse with an intent to share information not to see who can piss further

Now, let me ask you this, why are you against an innocent novel on the "The Lounge" section? Is it because you hold an unfavorable disposition towards me? Is it because of my name?

I think it would be more prudent to ask why are you allowed to call me names time and time again?
08-08-2009, 08:41 AMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
- I love strippers
- I am civil
- I am sincere
- I try to see other people's point of view
- I am respectful even if I do not agree with someone
- When I make a mistake, I acknowledge and rectify it
- I engage in discourse with an intent to share information not to see who can piss further

Now, let me ask you this, why are you against an innocent novel on the "The Lounge" section? Is it because you hold an unfavorable disposition towards me? Is it because of my name?

I think it would be more prudent to ask why are you allowed to call me names time and time again?
...geeez, please stop patronizing the forum. You enjoy swimming against the tide as indicated by the volume of your confrontational posts. BTW, your story did not have any sharks with iron swords attached to their heads. Any chance for that?
08-08-2009, 10:31 AMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Where do you see "cold" in my writing?
Reminds me of something a physics teacher once taught us. Cold is the lack of heat/energy, the natural state when everything is at rest, motionless, lifeless... that image stuck with me. You argued above that you felt it was not important to try and radiate any emotions in your writing... thus cold.
08-08-2009, 12:42 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
.. I am satisfied with chapter one, two and four ...
You're satisfied with Chapter 1? Honestly, you should have put more work into improving Chapter 1 before even bothering to continue. For example, did you notice that your first and last paragraphs are inconsistent?
08-08-2009, 12:58 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
There is not a single author who is admired by everyone.
When you're not admired by ANYONE it's time to take the hint.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
- I love strippers
- I am civil
- I am sincere
- I try to see other people's point of view
- I am respectful even if I do not agree with someone
- When I make a mistake, I acknowledge and rectify it
- I engage in discourse with an intent to share information not to see who can piss further

Now, let me ask you this, why are you against an innocent novel on the "The Lounge" section? Is it because you hold an unfavorable disposition towards me? Is it because of my name?

I think it would be more prudent to ask why are you allowed to call me names time and time again?
Don't make me laugh. This might be the funniest thing you've ever posted. Aside from this atrocious thing you are attempting to pass off as a "novel" about strippers and stripping.

P.S I haven't called you any names here... so don't get pissy just bc nobody else can stand you either.
08-08-2009, 02:18 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Your entire post was simply an account of wrong conjectures about Immaculate Love. Are you even trying to understand what is happening?
You are the one who has posted in customer conversation that it is about a dancer and a "PL"! You even told JayATee it features a goth stripper! Which is it?
08-08-2009, 07:09 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Chapter - Five is up.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read the novel and enjoy it!
08-08-2009, 07:11 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
You are the one who has posted in customer conversation that it is about a dancer and a "PL"! You even told JayATee it features a goth stripper! Which is it?
It seems like you are not following the storyline for some reason. Once I have few more chapters on the board, I will briefly summarize it for you. OK?
08-08-2009, 07:19 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
... so don't get pissy just bc nobody else can stand you either.
That really is not as big a deal as you are making it out to be.
08-08-2009, 07:31 PMevan_essence
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Meara was heading home from the divine well where she finished her evening prayers. She was a young girl trying to understand the turbulent time befallen on her Celtic tribe.
I find the following to be problematic. You're explaining too much in the form of narrative. It reads like dry facts from a dry history textbook. I don't want you to tell me so much as a narrator. Let what happens in the story -- the interaction of the characters and their thoughts and feelings -- tell me. The scene can be set by the narrator to set the tone, but set it and get out of the way. In reaction to the above excerpt and other passages like it, I feel cheated out of any empathy because I want to understand the character by her own revelations, not from the revelations of a narrator talking about her. I can empathize with the characters if you let them do the bulk of the story telling, rather than you telling so much of the story in your narrator voice.

-Eva
08-08-2009, 07:34 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by evan_essence View Post
I find the following to be problematic. You're explaining too much in the form of narrative. It reads like dry facts from a dry history textbook. I don't want you to tell me so much as a narrator. Let what happens in the story -- the interaction of the characters and their thoughts and feelings -- tell me. The scene can be set by the narrator to set the tone, but set it and get out of the way. In reaction to the above excerpt and other passages like it, I feel cheated out of any empathy because I want to understand the character by her own revelations, not from the revelations of a narrator talking about her. I can empathize with the characters if you let them do the bulk of the story telling, rather than you telling so much of the story in your narrator voice.

-Eva
Thank you for the feedback! This is the kind of feedback I am looking for. You clearly identified a problem domain which needs to be addressed. I will try to follow your advise when writing the next chapter.
08-08-2009, 07:41 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
That really is not as big a deal as you are making it out to be.
You're the one who seems to have your panties in a bunch over it. I frankly couldn't care less if no one likes you. ;D
08-08-2009, 07:50 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
You're the one who seems to have your panties in a bunch over it. I frankly couldn't care less if no one likes you. ;D
I am glad you let it out of your chest. Praise the lord.
08-08-2009, 08:44 PMHopper
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^I liked it better when she was ignoring us.
08-08-2009, 08:47 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Thank you for the feedback! This is the kind of feedback I am looking for. You clearly identified a problem domain which needs to be addressed. I will try to follow your advise when writing the next chapter.
This very similar criticism to what has already been provided.
Instead of continuing on to the next chapter, how about improving the first!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Chapter - Five is up.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read the novel and enjoy it!
Psst, since you're a fan of removing extra words, there's no need for the last three. As of this point, no one has.
08-08-2009, 09:25 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopper View Post
^I liked it better when she was ignoring us.
I think she has a crush on one of us; I am not sure which one of us though.
08-08-2009, 09:32 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopper View Post
^I liked it better when she was ignoring us.
I think she has a crush on one of us; I am not sure which one of us though.

Yeah, in the same reality where Dream Girls is a successful club, and Immaculate Love is a NYT Best Seller. ::)
08-08-2009, 09:41 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Yeah, in the same reality where Dream Girls is a successful club, and Immaculate Love is a NYT Best Seller. ::)
You are a defeatist and you try to pigeonhole others in your caliber.
08-08-2009, 10:12 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^^^ This means a lot coming from someone who routinely likes to comment on things he has no clue about.

http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthr...98#post1836398
08-09-2009, 03:55 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
It seems like you are not following the storyline for some reason. Once I have few more chapters on the board, I will briefly summarize it for you. OK?
You're evading the issue. You have SPECIFICALLY STATED (and I will find posts and quote 'em for backup) that this is a dancer and "PL" (<--disgusting term by the way) story.

And PS. Your storyline blows, no matter what you deem it to be about for the moment.
08-09-2009, 03:56 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Yeah, in the same reality where Dream Girls is a successful club, and Immaculate Love is a NYT Best Seller. ::)
Oh Verf. You make the customer comments worth it.;D You rock.
08-09-2009, 03:58 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
That really is not as big a deal as you are making it out to be.
No, it's kind of a fact. 99% of us dancers either find you to be a) disgusting or b) insufferable.

So much for you loving strippers because they certainly don't love you.
08-09-2009, 04:27 AMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
I am glad you let it out of your chest. Praise the lord.
For what? No one liking you? Ok... praise the lord no one likes you.

Umm... but what exactly did I "let out of my chest"? LoL.
08-09-2009, 04:52 AMHopper
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^If you are really annoyed of offended by him, you can just put him on ignore. Live and let live. You and mediocrity sound like you enjoy the conflict. You talk to him a lot for someone you can't stand.
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08-09-2009, 05:47 AMHopper
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
No, it's kind of a fact. 99% of us dancers either find you to be a) disgusting or b) insufferable.

So much for you loving strippers because they certainly don't love you.
Then why don't all of you just ignore him and he'll go away because he'll have no-one to talk to. Unless you all enjoy suffereing and being disgusted.
08-09-2009, 07:35 AMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopper View Post
^If you are really annoyed of offended by him, you can just put him on ignore. Live and let live. You and mediocrity sound like you enjoy the conflict. You talk to him a lot for someone you can't stand.
...thief, stealing my lines! No plagiarizing in the novel thread!:D
08-09-2009, 10:36 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
For what? No one liking you? Ok... praise the lord no one likes you.

Umm... but what exactly did I "let out of my chest"? LoL.
I got it. No one likes me. Now, can we move on?
08-09-2009, 10:38 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopper View Post
^If you are really annoyed of offended by him, you can just put him on ignore. Live and let live. You and mediocrity sound like you enjoy the conflict. You talk to him a lot for someone you can't stand.
I have to modify my original statement to this:

I think both of them have crush on us. lol
08-09-2009, 10:40 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
No, it's kind of a fact. 99% of us dancers either find you to be a) disgusting or b) insufferable.

So much for you loving strippers because they certainly don't love you.
I will never stop loving strippers. This novel will be dedicated to strippers of SW who taught me so much about the pole dancing world.
08-09-2009, 10:41 AMxdamage
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
I don't have any problem with you trying to write Cyril. Just yea you're going to get criticism if you ask, and the stripper/pl plot-line seems a bit.. hmm.. obsessive? And yea you were goading JayATee with the gothic comment in some thread where you felt it necessary to point out "yea there will be a gothic chick". When you goad people they tend to react badly along with their friends. Common sense. You can't really be surprised by that reaction.
08-09-2009, 10:43 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
Reminds me of something a physics teacher once taught us. Cold is the lack of heat/energy, the natural state when everything is at rest, motionless, lifeless... that image stuck with me. You argued above that you felt it was not important to try and radiate any emotions in your writing... thus cold.
Right now we are dealing with narration and people who are cold (military type). Once the love scenes come into play, you will get your fill.

Keep in mind, our lead man has not entered the scene yet.
08-09-2009, 10:45 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
I don't have any problem with you trying to write Cyril. Just yea you're going to get criticism if you ask, and the stripper/pl plot-line seems a bit.. hmm.. obsessive? And yea you were goading JayATee with the gothic comment in some thread where you felt it necessary to point out "yea there will be a gothic chick". When you goad people they tend to react badly along with their friends. Common sense. You can't really be surprised by that reaction.
Why was that goading? It seems like you take extreme liberty to classify my post as whatever you feel like. In this case it became "goading". You have a tendency of stroking fire. I have noticed that time and time again.
08-09-2009, 10:48 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
^^^ This means a lot coming from someone who routinely likes to comment on things he has no clue about.
I am someone who has courage to go against the current.
08-09-2009, 10:52 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
You're evading the issue. You have SPECIFICALLY STATED (and I will find posts and quote 'em for backup) that this is a dancer and "PL" (<--disgusting term by the way) story.

And PS. Your storyline blows, no matter what you deem it to be about for the moment.
It is a love story between a PL and a stripper. It will show triumph of love over greed and lust. It will show two hearts connecting amidst war and darkness; kind of like a lotus blooming from the mud.
08-09-2009, 10:58 AMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
I am someone who has courage to go against the current.
...well, I agree with that. However, its not getting you very far.
08-09-2009, 11:52 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...well, I agree with that. However, its not getting you very far.
Define far in this context.
08-09-2009, 12:25 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
^^^ This means a lot coming from someone who routinely likes to comment on things he has no clue about.

http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthr...98#post1836398
I am someone who has courage to go against the current.

It doesn't take courage to give baseless advice. It merely takes ignorance and indifference - two things which you appear to have plenty of, especially when it comes to the topic of SCs.
08-09-2009, 12:26 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Define far in this context.
...keep swimming with those iron sword headed sharks against the current Cyril, keep swimming.

Its time for the next chapter or better yet, the ending.
08-09-2009, 12:55 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
I got it. No one likes me. Now, can we move on?
Why? It's fun. And you never move on when asked to.

As a matter of fact, I think I'll just continue to insist upon this one set of facts and refuse to see what anyone else has written about it so I can continue to infuriate everyone. But truly this is probably too subtle for you to understand and a waste of time...

BTW you still didn't tell me what I let out of my chest. Im quite curious about that.
08-09-2009, 01:03 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post

BTW you still didn't tell me what I let out of my chest. Im quite curious about that.
That you do not care ...........
08-09-2009, 02:34 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
It is a love story between a PL and a stripper. It will show triumph of love over greed and lust. It will show two hearts connecting amidst war and darkness; kind of like a lotus blooming from the mud.
How is your main character a stripper? Doesn't seem like she works in a SC or does private parties.
08-09-2009, 02:39 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
How is your main character a stripper? Doesn't seem like she works in a SC or does private parties.
Just hold on and be patient, let the story unfold. You are displaying the same degree of impatience you displayed on Dream Girls thread.
08-09-2009, 02:40 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
That you do not care ...........
That was sarcasm. People don't let things out of their chest, they let things off their chest, Mr. Epic Novel writer.
08-09-2009, 02:54 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Just hold on and be patient, let the story unfold. You are displaying the same degree of impatience you displayed on Dream Girls thread.
It's ok. You're displaying the same level of stupidity.
08-09-2009, 07:35 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Chapter – Six
The Sniff

Sethos and his team crossed the mountain and green Celtic valley was in front of them. The men were spellbound to see such beautiful landscape. They had setup a command and control center from where they were carrying out their patrols to locate nearby towns and villages in a very stealthy manner.

“Are all the patrols back, Nikon?”

“Yes, all parties are back. I have some good news for you Sethos.” There was visible excitement on Nikon’s face. He continued, “Anatole’s team has spotted a town.” Nikon handed Sethos the cartographical data prepared by Anatole’s team.

“The town is little bit far from here but we can start with the near by villages first.”

“No.” Sethos interrupted Nikon’s speech. “The town may have a garrison and raiding the villages first may alert them. Let us conduct a reconnaissance on the town first.”

“Who would you like to go for the reconnaissance mission?” Nikon asked.

“Send Anatole. He is already familiar with the location. Rest of us will stay put here till Anatole and his team is back.” Sethos ended the briefing with those remarks.

Anatole was a fugitive who came to Sethos from the east. His first test came during a mission Sethos took inside Carthage territory. Anatole spotted and gathered reconnaissance on a fort believed to have been housing several women for Carthage royals. The reconnaissance work done by Anatole was excellent resulting in Sethos getting his hands on several beautiful and trained entertainers at no casualty.

It was beginning to get dark when Anatole’s party arrived at the periphery of this Celtic town. They decided to find a hiding place and stayed put till it became darker. Only after it was completely dark that Anatole and his small team ventured towards the town. He thanked goddess Selene for staying out of the sky and not lighting the town tonight; it made his mission much easier.

The town was fairly large; with the grace of Tyche, they will be able to snatch at least fifty women from this town alone but towns of this size always had a military garrison. It was Anatole’s task to find out the location of garrison’s barracks, its numerical strength, its patrolling tactics, its weapons’ capabilities and whether it could call upon a nearby reinforcement. The fate of the mission relied on Anatole gathering accurate intelligence on this town.

Anatole and his team did a very thorough job in finding out all the pertinent information. They stayed at the location for several days, hiding during the day and venturing out at night. Now, it was time to return to the command and control center with all the vital intelligence.
08-09-2009, 07:42 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
That was sarcasm. People don't let things out of their chest, they let things off their chest, Mr. Epic Novel writer.
In that case, I am glad you let it off of your chest.
08-09-2009, 07:44 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
It's ok. You're displaying the same level of stupidity.
You are not qualified to call others stupid. It is like pot calling kettle black.
08-09-2009, 08:23 PMElvia
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Out of curiosity, where are you from, Cyril?
08-09-2009, 08:29 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
Out of curiosity, where are you from, Cyril?
Why the curiosity?

(Just curious.)
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08-09-2009, 09:38 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
Out of curiosity, where are you from, Cyril?
He never answers this question... probably something to do with privacy... only everyone else is expected to tell the truth. ::)
08-09-2009, 10:16 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
...Cyril is from the land of voltabianca (which has gone offline) where PL's dream about loving strippers. Hence the novel.
08-09-2009, 10:22 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
He never answers this question... probably something to do with privacy... only everyone else is expected to tell the truth. ::)
I have given way too much information about myself and I regret that already.
08-09-2009, 10:26 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...Cyril is from the land of voltabianca (which has gone offline) where PL's dream about loving strippers. Hence the novel.
Although your post does not deserve a response but I will indulge.

The novel does encapsulate my fantasy about strippers. The lead man will be my alter ego, a man I could have become, i.e., a lover of a stripper.
08-10-2009, 01:10 AMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
You are not qualified to call others stupid. It is like pot calling kettle black.
Haha, wow. Coming from Captain Would You Like A Squishy. Good times.

I have a dual degree in Mathematics and Molecular Biology from a University that is considered the Harvard of Canada. No way in hell are you callin' me stupid.

Though at least by calling yourself the pot, you are admitting some level of idiocy.
08-10-2009, 01:35 AMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
Haha, wow. Coming from Captain Would You Like A Squishy. Good times.

I have a dual degree in Mathematics and Molecular Biology from a Univeristy that is considered the Harvard of Canada. No way in hell are you callin' me stupid.

Though at least by calling yourself the pot, you are admitting some level of idiocy.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I seriously <3 you.
08-10-2009, 02:14 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Chapter – Six
The Sniff

... Anatole and his team did a very thorough job in finding out all the pertinent information. They stayed at the location for several days, hiding during the day and venturing out at night. Now, it was time to return to the command and control center with all the vital intelligence.
This is the supposed to be the story of a "stipper and a PL" right?

Why did the reconnaissance patrol have to sneak around? They should have just sent a messenger to the town elders and asked to schedule a private tour. That way they wouldn't have to risk any casualties blindly.

http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthr...94#post1833794
08-10-2009, 09:26 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
I have said it before and I will say it again. I seriously <3 you.
You love her because she is being mean to me.

Will a love based on such weak foundation stand the real test?
08-10-2009, 09:29 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post

Haha, wow. Coming from Captain Would You Like A Squishy. Good times.
What does that mean? /:O

Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post

I have a dual degree in Mathematics ...
Go for triple next time.
08-10-2009, 09:29 PMmediocrity
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
You love her because she is being mean to me.

Will a love based on such weak foundation stand the real test?
Don't worry, our wedding is next week.
08-10-2009, 09:31 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Why did the reconnaissance patrol have to sneak around? They should have just sent a messenger to the town elders and asked to schedule a private tour. That way they wouldn't have to risk any casualties blindly.
There is a difference between a military operation and a business operation. Just an FYI for you.
08-10-2009, 10:34 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
There is a difference between a military operation and a business operation. Just an FYI for you.
...the Iraqis would disagree.
08-10-2009, 10:43 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...the Iraqis would disagree.
Military operation can be needed to safeguard a business operation but it is conducted differently.

In the case of Iraq, military operation was used to take over its business operation (oil).
08-10-2009, 10:49 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Military operation can be needed to safeguard a business operation but it is conducted differently.

In the case of Iraq, military operation was used to take over its business operation (oil).
...yes, that's one way to look at.
08-10-2009, 11:08 PMDirty Ernie
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
WTF is this? "Closer" meets the "300"? I've just returned from the desert (viva LV) and I'm having a hard time reading this while keeping my oil lamp lit in my Bedouin tent cuz I'm loling so hard.

First rule of marketing: Know Your Audience

Hard to fault Cyril here cuz, like the DreamGirls thread, he posts strictly for the mob living in his brain. I'm afraid the rest of us must stew in our envy.
08-10-2009, 11:39 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
Don't worry, our wedding is next week.
Promises promises!

Only in my dreams.
08-11-2009, 01:42 AMShy_Guy
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
resulting in Sethos getting his hands on several beautiful and trained entertainers at no casualty.

OK, I'd love to hear how he did that! I always get tazed. :O


But seriously, I am pretty sure they weren't called "entertainers." That's a bit of an anachronism, isn't it?


P.S. JayATee, bring back the old avatar!
08-11-2009, 07:30 AMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shy_Guy View Post
OK, I'd love to hear how he did that! I always get tazed. :O
...SG, Cyril has a fetish for "trained strippers". We see this theme here and we saw it in the Dream Girls thread. I thought Cyril would have fallen in love with mediocrity with all her math training. Maybe it's just "Stepford Wife" training he craves. ..oh well.
08-11-2009, 08:01 AMHopper
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
Haha, wow. Coming from Captain Would You Like A Squishy. Good times.

I have a dual degree in Mathematics and Molecular Biology from a University that is considered the Harvard of Canada. No way in hell are you callin' me stupid.

Though at least by calling yourself the pot, you are admitting some level of idiocy.
He called you the pot.

Not sure I believe you about the dual degree. A dual degree holder wouldn't entertain herself by talking to an idiot, even for laughs (and I am not laughing). I suspect that this claim is part of the mindfuck.

If you do have a degree, I must conclude that you don't really think Cyril is stupid.

QED
08-11-2009, 09:16 AMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopper View Post
^If you are really annoyed of offended by him, you can just put him on ignore. Live and let live. You and mediocrity sound like you enjoy the conflict. You talk to him a lot for someone you can't stand.
I have to modify my original statement to this:

I think both of them have crush on us. lol

Nah, I doubt either of them would want to do anything that might jeapordize the bromance between you and Hopper.
08-11-2009, 10:22 AMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
... It is better to prove your intellect by your writing capabilities because that is the only tangible means we have to assess each others intellect. ...

Really? So how do we "assess" someone who doesn't even grasp the proper use of articles (a/an/the) in their writing?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
<Inserts in RED>
Chapter – Four
The Route

... “Yesterday, I had an in depth discussion with Nikon regarding our upcoming expedition to an unknown land called Hibernia. (If it's "unknown" how did they know to name it?) After considering arguments for and against the expedition, I have decided to go forth with it.” Sethos paused briefly and then continued, “We will set sail from Konossos towards <Deleted "the"> Sarausa. ... According to my information <the> Carthage navy has approximately three hundred warships...

“Should we co-ordinate our sail so that we leave Sarausa in the early evening to avoid detection by <the> Carthage navy?” ... Any contact with <the> Carthage navy would be fatal for the mission and the crews. ...
08-11-2009, 11:57 AMShy_Guy
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^ Change "unknown" to "unexplored."
08-11-2009, 08:31 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shy_Guy View Post
^ Change "unknown" to "unexplored."
You are correct. "Unexplored" would have been a better choice of word. But keep in mind when you are attempting to write a novel, grammar is the last thing your mind is thinking about; you have to think about geography, history, customs, etc. It is an interesting experience though. I am loving it.
08-11-2009, 08:33 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Really? So how do we "assess" someone who doesn't even grasp the proper use of articles (a/an/the) in their writing?
Dude,

Relax! We do acknowledge your status as an exemplary PL. You are in no danger of loosing it. No one can challenge you for that status.


08-11-2009, 08:34 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shy_Guy View Post
But seriously, I am pretty sure they weren't called "entertainers." That's a bit of an anachronism, isn't it?
Entertainers were called entertainers. Of course.
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Novel: Immaculate Love
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08-11-2009, 08:36 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...SG, Cyril has a fetish for "trained strippers". We see this theme here and we saw it in the Dream Girls thread. I thought Cyril would have fallen in love with mediocrity with all her math training. Maybe it's just "Stepford Wife" training he craves. ..oh well.
You are getting better at your jokes. That was the first funny post I have seen from you. Good job.
08-11-2009, 08:38 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirty Ernie View Post
WTF is this? "Closer" meets the "300"? I've just returned from the desert (viva LV) and I'm having a hard time reading this while keeping my oil lamp lit in my Bedouin tent cuz I'm loling so hard.

First rule of marketing: Know Your Audience

Hard to fault Cyril here cuz, like the DreamGirls thread, he posts strictly for the mob living in his brain. I'm afraid the rest of us must stew in our envy.
First thing you need to do is relax. I am having fun writing this novel and I will continue to write it for so called "mob in my head". No body is putting gun to your head to read it. Have you not heard of a thing called logic?
08-11-2009, 10:07 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
... But keep in mind when you are attempting to write a novel, grammar is the last thing your mind is thinking about; you have to think about geography, history, customs, etc. It is an interesting experience though. I am loving it.
Grammer is the last thing on your mind? Okay. ::)

Apparantly you may have to "think" about the history, but you've allowed youself to use plenty of artistic license.
08-11-2009, 10:12 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Grammer is the last thing on your mind? Okay. ::)

Apparantly you may have to "think" about the history, but you've allowed youself to use plenty of artistic license.
It is not as easy it looks. You have to do research into history, geography, cluture, etc but it is fun. I am enjoying it.
08-11-2009, 10:18 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
^^^ You may have researched some things, but not everything in your novel lines up correctly. Like I said, you've used plenty of artistic license to put different periods of time together.
08-11-2009, 10:20 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
^^^ You may have researched some things, but not everything in your novel lines up correctly. Like I said, you've used plenty of artistic license to put different periods of time together.
Go ahead and mention it. If you are correct, I will modify the script.
08-11-2009, 10:37 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
You are getting better at your jokes. That was the first funny post I have seen from you. Good job.
...thanks. Maybe there is hope for you after all.
08-11-2009, 10:39 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...thanks. Maybe there is hope for you after all.
Of course. There is a hope for all of us including you and I.
08-12-2009, 12:51 AMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Of course. There is a hope for all of us including you and I.
Ugh, really dude? You're trying to write a novel and you can't even speak properly?

You do not say there is hope for "I". You say there is hope for "me".

The proper sentence would read:
There is hope for us all including you and me.

Although frankly, this is redundant. When you say there is hope for us all that includes "you and me".

Stop wasting words to make yourself sound important. You're not Dickens, so you're not being paid by the word.
08-12-2009, 01:08 AMvmurphy252
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Dude,

Relax! We do acknowledge your status as an exemplary PL. You are in no danger of loosing it. No one can challenge you for that status.


Ok, this is not directed solely at Cyril, but how come people do not know that indicating the loss of something is spelled losing, not loosing? Loosing is to make something loose, not the act of loss. At least 50% of the posts using that word have it spelled incorrectly. If it was a once in a while thing, I would say "typo", but too many people do it repetitively.

Ok, end of pet-peeve rant.
08-12-2009, 01:54 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by vmurphy252 View Post
Ok, this is not directed solely at Cyril, but how come people do not know that indicating the loss of something is spelled losing, not loosing? Loosing is to make something loose, not the act of loss. At least 50% of the posts using that word have it spelled incorrectly. If it was a once in a while thing, I would say "typo", but too many people do it repetitively.

Ok, end of pet-peeve rant.
For some twist of fate, I got lucky in this case. I think both "loose" and "lose" make sense in this context.
08-12-2009, 01:56 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
Ugh, really dude? You're trying to write a novel and you can't even speak properly?

You do not say there is hope for "I". You say there is hope for "me".

The proper sentence would read:
There is hope for us all including you and me.

Although frankly, this is redundant. When you say there is hope for us all that includes "you and me".

Stop wasting words to make yourself sound important. You're not Dickens, so you're not being paid by the word.
It is I who decides whether there is hope for I or me.
08-12-2009, 02:01 AMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
It is I who decides whether there is hope for I or me.
Umm... no. Learn to speak or stop posting this ridiculous drivel while expecting us all to take you seriously. This is beyond pathetic.
08-12-2009, 02:22 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
Umm... no. Learn to speak or stop posting this ridiculous drivel while expecting us all to take you seriously. This is beyond pathetic.
Show me where I asked you to take me seriously. I think you are volunteering your seriousness.

You will force your point more impressively if you do not make any grammatical mistakes yourself. It will be more credible if you make your point through your actions instead of your words. This is exactly what I told your friend Mediocrity.
08-12-2009, 02:50 AMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
It is perfectly all right to criticize but you have to earn the credibility before your criticism will be considered. Few suggestions for folks who wish to write polemics:

- If you want to criticize someone's grammar, at least make sure that your grammar itself is sound

- If you say there are some inconsistencies then point out those inconsistencies

- If you say Cyril's writing style is cold then define what you consider cold and then pick some excerpts to illustrate your point

- Once again make your point through your action not through your tall claims like your triple degrees in molecular biology, which I have no use for
08-12-2009, 10:33 AMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
- If you want to criticize someone's grammar, at least make sure that your grammar itself is sound: Not speaking for those who comment on general posts, but the grammar in your novel is fair game since it is supposed to be a piece of legitimate writing, not a form of informal banter. One need not have proper grammer in a general post to critique your formal writing.

- If you say there are some inconsistencies then point out those inconsistencies Why? Once you've been informed that they exist, then you should try to find them yourself. It is not up to us to correct all of your mistakes; it is up to you.

- If you say Cyril's writing style is cold then define what you consider cold and then pick some excerpts to illustrate your point Already been done. If you want more examples simply look at Chapters 1 through 6.

- Once again make your point through your action not through your tall claims like your triple degrees in molecular biology, which I have no use for. You can't criticise someone for providing their credentials when it's in response to an off-handed comment made by you questioning their level of inteligence.
08-12-2009, 01:16 PMPerry
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
I'm going to ignore everything else here for a minute, and limit my questions. I'm a writer, and I probably wouldn't post anything I don't want stolen on the internet. I mean, okay, probably no one is going to steal Immaculate Love, but still - it's bad form.

Finish your first chapter, send it off to a publisher and see if they want it. Don't waste time on a product no one is going to buy. Try one of those penny romance publishers that have Fabio on the cover of their books or something. Don't try to use SW for free editing. Editors are professionals, they get paid for what they do, and you need one.
08-12-2009, 01:21 PMJayATee
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Show me where I asked you to take me seriously. I think you are volunteering your seriousness.
So basically what you're saying is that you're not here to post anything of value. Which means that you just admitted to being a troll. Good job!
08-12-2009, 09:25 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
- If you want to criticize someone's grammar, at least make sure that your grammar itself is sound: Not speaking for those who comment on general posts, but the grammar in your novel is fair game since it is supposed to be a piece of legitimate writing, not a form of informal banter. One need not have proper grammer in a general post to critique your formal writing.

- If you say there are some inconsistencies then point out those inconsistencies Why? Once you've been informed that they exist, then you should try to find them yourself. It is not up to us to correct all of your mistakes; it is up to you.

- If you say Cyril's writing style is cold then define what you consider cold and then pick some excerpts to illustrate your point Already been done. If you want more examples simply look at Chapters 1 through 6.

- Once again make your point through your action not through your tall claims like your triple degrees in molecular biology, which I have no use for. You can't criticise someone for providing their credentials when it's in response to an off-handed comment made by you questioning their level of inteligence.
Anyone can say baseless things like these. This entire post had no merit whatsoever.
08-12-2009, 09:26 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
So basically what you're saying is that you're not here to post anything of value. Which means that you just admitted to being a troll. Good job!
What I am saying is that your opinion means very little to me unless you earn the credibility. This is a poor quality argument coming from someone who wants to be a lawyer.
08-12-2009, 09:40 PMverfolgung
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Anyone can say baseless things like these. This entire post had no merit whatsoever.
Baseless? Huh. I'm one of the few posters who even bothered to proof read any part of your crappy novel. The post is not baseless, because I have already posted several examples of your poor grammar and poor writing.

You want one tip? Ask yourself why Greek sailors are referring to places by their Latin names. Names that in some cases were not translated from Greek to Latin for several hundred years after the time of your story. Trust me, there are plenty more inconsistencies and errors in your narrative.
08-12-2009, 09:53 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
Baseless? Huh. I'm one of the few posters who even bothered to proof read any part of your crappy novel. The post is not baseless, because I have already posted several examples of your poor grammar and poor writing.

Heck you can't even get through Chapter 1 without making a mistake. Just read your first and last paragraphs of the chapter. ::)
You are beginning to sound like a broken record on the grammar. I thanked you for proof reading Chapter – One. You did an excellent job.

My ingenuity does not lie in grammar or proof reading but in my creativity. There are tons of people like you who can do this kind of clerical thing. But there are not many who have imagination and vision that can produce a plot like Immaculate Love.

This work is pro bono publico. I am not making any money from this love story. Heck, I do not even go to the strip clubs.
08-12-2009, 10:38 PMWiseGuy_TX
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
Anyone can say baseless things like these. This entire thread had no merit whatsoever.
...FYI, another joke Cyril.

I now order you to work harder and end the novel without delay!
08-12-2009, 11:44 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX View Post
...FYI, another joke Cyril.

I now order you to work harder and end the novel without delay!
I noticed, I make less grammatical mistakes when I write a chapter on the weekend. So, to avoid heartache and pain on grammar loving peanut gallery, I will abstain from writing the seventh chapter till the weekend arrives. However, there will be no guarantee that the chapter will be devoid of grammatical mistakes. I will certainly try though.
08-12-2009, 11:53 PMCyril
Re: Novel: Immaculate Love
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perry View Post
I'm going to ignore everything else here for a minute, and limit my questions. I'm a writer, and I probably wouldn't post anything I don't want stolen on the internet. I mean, okay, probably no one is going to steal Immaculate Love, but still - it's bad form.

Finish your first chapter, send it off to a publisher and see if they want it. Don't waste time on a product no one is going to buy. Try one of those penny romance publishers that have Fabio on the cover of their books or something. Don't try to use SW for free editing. Editors are professionals, they get paid for what they do, and you need one.
I am writing this novel for the benefit of people. I do not wish to gain anything of monetary value from Immaculate Love.
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